Trigger warning : sexual assualt, rape culture
Our nation is going through a long awaited change. The media is held hostage with news reports and movements such as #MeToo and #ThatsHarrassment. Once adored celebrities proving that in the end money and fame have no pull in terms of skewed humanity. The public feigning surprise at the horrific acts a man can do; their idols are crashing down from the pedestals they have so loftily placed them upon. Shushed whispers of the impossible happening, because after all he seemed like such a nice guy or he had such a bright future. Politicians hiding behind their impressive pensions while claiming to have no recollection of the life altering acts they themselves have imparted. Our nation, clutching their metaphorical pearls and gasping, as each new heinous story breaks. Questioning the moral integrity of each woman brave enough to tell her story. As if these stories were not already woven into our history as a nation.
Women are raised differently than men in more ways than one. Stories are passed down to us from our ancestors. These warnings are embedded within our genetic makeup. Mothers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins and friends, all told whispered tales of a bogey man. A bogey man with different faces and features, but the violent end was always the same. Horror tales told of girls who walked alone at night through a parking lot. Women who were brave enough to protest a cat call and then were run down in the process. A nightmare inducing story starting with something as innocent as putting your drink down at a party and ending with PTSD. Tales told of girls who had the audacity to wear their womanhood has a badge of honor instead of hiding meekly in the shadows.
As little boys were told tales of knights and superheroes, little girls were told a different version. One where they must walk in packs to keep each other safe and send a message telling how they got home alive at the end of the night. A tale embedded with rules. Rules about how to dress. How to scream loudly enough that someone, anyone, may hear. Rules on how to safely handle a fragile ego, the best way to reject an advance and still keep your life. Rules on how to walk, talk and hold yourself. Rules on how to tell your nightmare and when to tell it. Each story is different, but they all end with the same message. The message that one day, most beautiful girl, something horrible will happen. Your faith in humanity will be shaken to its core and here is how to survive what will follow. Tell your cautionary tale to other women so they may not have to endure the same ending. Shout your story from the rooftops. Once you become completely open and honest with your trauma, then the healing will begin.
The real question is how do we change a part of our culture that is embedded so deeply? Where do we even start?
That answer is the only simple one.
We start at home.
From a young age teach children, both boys and girls, about consent. No means no. Period. End of sentence. You don’t have to explain yourself or give excuses. No is a complete sentence. Stop means stop that second. If anyone is touching them in a way that they do not want, tell your child to run away from that person and yell loudly.
Stop telling little girls that if a boy is mean to them on the playground that means that they like them. That language is abusive.
Stop with the saying “Boys will be boys.” Boys will be held responsible for their actions as a human being, not based off of their gender. Ass slapping or bra strap snapping is assault. Too often are teenage girls who speak out told that they are being dramatic or questioned why they don’t like the attention.
These are small every day conversations. They do not have to escalate into a big scary conversation. Teach children from a young age that their bodies are their own and that no one, under any circumstances, has the right to treat them differently. Teach our young children to speak out and to stand up for the ones who aren’t ready to speak about their trauma. Above all, believe them. Believe the people who are brave enough to speak out. Rape and sexual assault are soaked in silent condemnation. Bathed in shame and embarrassment. It takes one impressive act of bravery to speak up.
As for my household, these talks have already begun. My boys know about consent, it is a talk, we have almost daily. As they get older, our talks will morph into a more adult version of what they hear now. I am as honest about my past as I am able to be with them. Hiding my own stories will do more harm than good.
Like the women who came before me, my talk with daughter will be more in depth. The fact that I am unable inform my children the same way, fills me with rage but for now that is our society. Instead of teaching her to be meek and dainty, I will raise her to be powerful and strong on her own. Rather than telling her stories of knights in shining armor or superheros, I will raise her to be her own hero. She will not be a damsel in distress in need of a knight. She will be a dragon. Scaled with the knowledge of her ancestors and filled with fire and power. Watch as she burns the fucking patriarchy to the ground.
Mom Outside of the Box 